5 Steps to Emotional Health

Step One: Beef.

Step Two: New Gadgets


a) a baby gas grill b) a fancy schmancy 2 probe digital meat thermometer with a 120 foot range beeper!

Step Three: Find someone smaller than you to pick on.

Step Four: Buy Yourself Something Special - shop with a friend!

A) The Tobacco Company B) Sine C) Galaxy Diner

Step Five: Enjoy a Late Night Snack to Chat About your Feelings Regarding:

a) Superior Drink choices!

b)Inferior Drink choices!

c) Zero Morality!

d) Fried Pickles!

e) More beef!

Congrats. You are healed. Good luck with those arteries.

Close only counts in Horseshoes, Hand Grenades, and Narrow Escapes of Death in Richmond

My life is full of adventures and tales of glory - fighting the good fight, taking on the enemy, risking it all for knowledge of standing on the side of righteousness. And then there is the portion of my life I like to refer to as 'dumb luck' or this week as '#7 of my 9 lives' -- or to put it plainly, 'Kate Goes to Richmond and Tries to Stay Alive.'

Somehow each time I make the trek a mere 90 miles south, I enter the CZ - the Catastrophe Zone. Once there was the mystery monster flying bug in the bathroom that waited until you otherwise occupied to jump out and help nature along by literally scaring the crap out of you. Next time, while out on a Zombie walk, I was attacked by a giant (I think) flesh eating spider (or at least one with a wicked bite), had my arm swell up and ended up with a fever. I almost died, I swear. And then there was the time we were racing to catch a 6 am train and....oh wait, I didn't die...but someone almost did. (Hi Jen!)

Life with Jen is never boring - there's the endless adventures of hikes around Belle Isle, the never ending search for lost keys, wild exploits in parallel parking, and always going where ever the wind takes us - I always have a fan-damn-tastic time in the south with her. This past weekend, however, was nearly my last.

Jen needed to have her oil changed (and needed a good excuse to drive the other car that has A/C during the hot hot weather) and asked if I'd mind following her to the shop in one of the cars. I lept at the chance to drive a car! oooooh emmmmmm geeeee! A Car! And I was secretly hoping we could take the long way to the shop so I could spend just a few more minutes behind the wheel. Without even having to ask, Jen read my mind. But we didn't just take a spin around the block....ooooooh no, we took a trip down Old Gun Road.

Old Gun Road is a back road at its best. I'm sure the speed limit is about 15 miles an hour, but with all the curves and dips and turns and ups and downs, you really can't appreciate it going less than 40. And appreciate it we did. I was doing a pretty good job in my car keeping up with the Lead Foot Leader when we started up an incline. A poor sap on a bike training for the Tour De Richmond was huffing and puffing up the hill when Jen zoomzoomed around him and took off. I, naturally did the same, as safely as I could when I looked ahead of me and saw a Jeep. Coming towards me. And I swear to God, accelerating towards me. The biker was next to me and I thought I had enough time to increase my speed just a bit more and squeak in. barely. I was so focused on a) not pushing the biker down the 4 foot drop off the side of the road and b) not hitting the Jeep head on in a car that didn't belong to me, that I missed Jen seeing my life flash before her eyes. After I very expertly (and almost too late) maneuvered back into my lane, Jen called and texted me to let me know we were done with this little road trip. Apparently killing your house guest is against southern custom.

Sunday night, with not a whole lot to do, Jen decided to take me to her happy place. It's a lovely farm about 20 minutes from her house with lots of horses, donkeys, llamas, and the lone pig (who looked more tasty than friendly). We thought we'd take Jen's horse, Topper, and the other, very gentle and mild mannered and well trained horse, Snoopy, could be my trusty stead for the night. Walking down toward the pasture, Jen pointed out her adopted horse and at the exact moment we watched her mild mannered boy bite the horse next door. Hard. Hmmmm...he might not be the one to ride today. Ok, instead we decide to say hey to Snoopy and maybe just ride him around the indoor ring for a little while instead. Harmless, docile little Snoopy. Jen gave me the leader line as we walked towards the ring while she carried the tack. She tied him up to a 12 foot section of heavy metal fencing in a easy release knot and said "now, if anything happens and I'm not here, just pull this end of the rope to let him go." But why would I need to know that? He's so sweet and gentle!

I went to work, brushing him down, prepping him for his saddle. I finished one side and moved to the other while telling him just how handsome he is and he's not so scary even though he's fricken huge... Next, I don't know what happened but something spooked him.

Snoopy reared up a foot from me and started thrashing around. There was no grabbing the rope - I was getting the heck outta dodge. The moment I turned around to get back, he dislodged the entire piece of fencing and hurled it around, still attached to his bridle, right behind my back close enough for me to feel the breeze. Still bucking and thrashing, he turned and took off for the pasture. About 30 feet into his escape, the leader line broke, dropping the fence just outside the building entrance, with the quick release knot still firmly in place. He didn't run far and seemed to be completely calmed down. Jen grabbed a fist full of grass, offered it up as a peace offering and grabbed a hold of his bridal to lead him calmly back to his pasture.

There would be no riding today.

Thank heavens no one was hurt - even Snoopy with his wild outburst of gentility didn't have so much as a scratch to show for the tantrum. An hour later or so, after my heart had returned to a more steady and less frantic pace, and realized I'd dodged death or at least a severe maiming a second time in two days, I wondered if it was really worth it to put my life on the line to spend time with Jen. That's an easy question - of course it's worth it - but next time I head down for a weekend, I think I'll wear a helmet.

Memories from Richmond

10 things from my weekend in Richmond:

1. Jen makes 20-whatever look fun. Why am I so freaked out by birthdays? Clearly for no reason, as she rocked hers out.


2. Life in a convertible is better than life in any other car. Unless of course your convertible has no top and its raining. Then I imagine life in a convertible is like life aquatic. Thankfully, we did not experience that this weekend. I even ended up with a little sun burn.

3. I have a new found...tolerance...for zombies. I hate zombie movies. I am bothered by people who like Zombie movies. But I thought I would open my mind to new experiences and went on a Zombie walk. It was hilarious. SO hilarious. And then we walked by a guy who's comment, while watching a couple hundred Zombies walk by was "boy am I glad I just finished reading the Zombie Survival Guide - otherwise this would make me really nervous." Seriously. ZOMBIES AREN'T REAL. Dosh.

4. I like bacon. A lot. Especially when other people make it for me and get the thick sliced kind. It was almost like it was my birthday it was so good. YUM.

5. We attempted to scare the crap out of Jen by banging on windows, ringing door bells, and generally being hooligans. Steve was a little worried the neighbors across the street might by NRA folks with loaded shotguns pointed out the windows on their 'neighborhood watch' of Scarsborough Dr. Thankfully their neighborhood watch is very very ineffective and our scare tactics went off without a hitch, until Jen caught sight of Steve frolicking around the side of her house. Next time we'll be in better stealth mode. With wigs and everything.

6. Jen and I discovered the best hang over cure: soft leather couches + blankets + the best movie ever. Worked like a charm... well, at least for me.

7. Sometimes your friends know you so well, you are overwhelmed with how similar presents are from them. Case in Point: Jen's shirt from Steve - 'Morally Corrupt' Jen's gift from Kate - 'The Book of Vices: Very Naughty Things and How to Do Them'

8. I got bit/stung/attacked by a spider while taking this photo with Jen. And almost died from a bug bite. Again. But I survived to see another day. I guess having my arm cut off would be a better end to this story. Maybe next time...


9. My camera almost didn't make it through the weekend. Less than 12 hours into the time in Richmond, the camera went AWOL. I think it knew pictures like this were about to be captured and it was afraid of breaking under the pressure.
10. And last, but certainly not least, Jen and I met Wally Shawn. AMAZING. Although I wouldn't categorize him as 'charming' or 'polite' or 'touched and amazed that two hot (if not slightly hung over - we couldn't have even bought brandy) women knew who he was and would fawn over him all day even if he was out for brunch in sweat pants' -- it was still a brush with fame I won't soon forget. Inconceivable!