Tuesday, April 29, 2008

He Blinded Me With Science

Zach's conditions upon me staying with him was my willing participation in many, many science experiments. For your viewing pleasure, here is the first one.

Thank you, Chuck Norris.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


That pretty much sums it up. Just took my first ever business trip, spent the week working out of our New York City Midtown office, and am now trying to adjust to my life that is CubeLand. A few highlights:

1. My office. IN THE CORNER. I contemplated changing my name to Tess McGill all week.

2. Free Lunch every day – not a new thing, but this week, I could order what ever my little heart desired. And I did. Oh yes oh yes oh yes.

3. I took my turn being one of those nerdy people who stands outside the Today Show taping…and saw Matt Lauer.

He is quite dishy in person

4. Two Words: THE PALM.

5. I have great respect for the LIRR – not only do they have a very clean trains (other than the bathrooms – eeeeeeeew gross) and decent prices considering the distance you’re going, but they also allow food and drinks on board. Hellz yes.

6. One tid bit of knowledge for the week – there’s a very good reason beer doesn’t come with a straw.

7. Lunch at one of *the* places in NYC – Tao. Simply amazing. Nevermind how I dropped each and every dumpling in my soy sauce and splashed it all over. Clearly I need a little more remedial education re: chopsticks.

8. Did I mention my office? Oh, ok, then how about the VIEW.

9. After traveling all the way up to NYC to be very cosmopolitan and urban and city chic, I end up at a country bar. But this place had class, fried pickles, AND a mechanical bull.

10. Ending my week in a dive bar on Long Island, singing at the top of my lungs how I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE while I’m HANGING TOUGH with WHAT I GOT which includes someone that makes me say WHATTA MAN WHATTA MAN WHATTA MAN, all the while drinking too much ALCOHOL but knowing no matter what, I WILL SURVIVE.

I think I could get used to this business travel

Monday, April 7, 2008

Peaks and Valleys

Tuesday was rough but in the grand scheme of things, nothing bad actually happened to me. No one died. No one was hurt. No tragedy occurred. Maybe it’s the lack of actual drama that made it harder to bounce back. It’s like a sprained ankle: nothing is broken, you’ll be fine in a few days, but those days of dealing with the annoyance of the sprain and being limited to your everyday life seem to be the most miserable days of your life.

I suppose my last post could have been read as more of an SOS than I meant it to – really I wrote it 2 days later mostly because looking back at everything (especially the thug on the street) it really was starting to be pretty funny. I mean really, all of that in one day? The jerk from Brooklyn plus the thug on the street plus the many many many blisters on my poor toes from my anger management march around Chevy Chase plus living and reliving all the political crap of working in a DunderMiflinWorld – could be a hilarious part in a movie some day (although when I re-write it, I WILL turn around and kick that guy in the pants – geeeeze)

Wednesday morning, I made a conscience decision to a) get over myself and b) have a good day, no matter the cost. I thought I’d treat myself to some Starbucks and wear my new outfit to work – feel good on the inside, look good on the outside. Then I got an email from my boss, Heidi, to let us know she was at the hospital, in labor, about to become a mom for the first time. By mid morning, her very own bouncing baby boy had arrived. Little Markus Octaveous had joined the ranks of the world officially.

Wednesday night I lit Markus’ candle in my room, celebrating his very first birthday. I said a little prayer for him and his newbie parents, but rather than ask God to simply bless the family with health and happiness, I asked Him to give Markus the ability to bounce – to take all the peaks and valleys he’ll travel through and knowing he’ll have rough times, give him the strength of character to see through to the good times. I’ve learned this lesson hard this week – I’ve got to learn how to bounce better – not take things so seriously and shake it off. And I’m doing just fine.

I’ve bounced back in a big way now – I’m writing this on a train (the acela even!) on my way to New York City for a full week in the Big Apple. I’m working out of our NY office, and I’ll be working IN an ACTUAL office, looking out at St. Pat’s Cathedral on 5th Avenue (googlemap THAT thug boy). I’m pretty sure I have the ability now to jump tall buildings in a single bound. This is one big bounce back and I’m loving every second of it.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Adventures in Timestamping

9:00ish: Arrives at work
9:30: Starts to send out links to blog
9:45: Re-reads the blog, reliving the previous night's trip
10:00: Finished coffee, thinking about getting some work done
10:01: Abandons idea of getting work done, reads other blogs instead
10:20: Convinced today will be perfect and amazing
10:28: Phone rings. Brooklyn area code
10:29: Man on phone, Byron, recounts his previous convo with me re: why I am a bad person
10:30: Pulse hits about 200 bpm
10:31: Byron starts yelling at me, but not AT me, as he is so kind, but yells at the situation (which IS me)
10:32: Finger starts waving about in the air. oh he did not just say that. and that. and what the...
10:34: Yelling into the phone, I demand respect! And kind words! And ... RESPECT damn it!
10:36: Am told I am no good at my job, never will be, should quit my job pronto and inquire for a local fry chef position at the Golden Arches
10:38: SCREAMING into the phone "There is no reason to disrespect me! You have no right to speak to me this way!"
10:40: Still be screamed at, am told I have cost my boss Bill millions of dollars, ruined my company, and am a total idiot.
10:43: Byron hangs up on me, having accomplished whatever it was he was hoping to accomplish.
10:43:01: I slam receiver down, nearly breaking a nail and possibly the phone.
10:43:02: Bosses Geeves and Soph run out of offices, wanting to know what is up, why was I yelling
10:44:10: Start to feel tears/emotion/total breakdown about to start
10:44:30: Run to kitchen for 'water'
10:46: Return from kitchen to recount to bosses in short sentences with pulse racing at over 300 bpm "I. HATE. THAT. MAN. I. HATE. MY. JOB. HATE. MAN. CAN'T. BREATHE. DON'T. WANT. TO . TALKABOUTITRIGHTNOWBUTDOSOMETHINGASAPBEFOREICOMPLETELYLOSEMYMIND.
10:47: Runs to bathroom, hides in stall, cries.
10:57: still crying.
11:05: Emerges from bathroom, red, splotchy, makeup/hair/composure ruined, completely embarrassed. Bosses are waiting for me.
11:15: Boss Bill calls, wants to know what the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with me - why can't I handle myself - why do I let people talk to me this way - why do I let my emotions get the better of me
11:15:10 I'm wondering why I let people talk to me this way
11:15:20: Still wondering why I let people talk to me this way
11:15:21: thinking my parents' basement is looking better and better every day
11:15:22: wants pringles. and skinny cow strawberry ice cream sandwiches. and pickles. and guacamole. and root beer. without the root. and extra beer.
11:20: done listening to boss Bill tell stories about when people have been more mean to him and how he handled it with great aplomb that I clearly lack and by the way what is wrong with you anyway?
11:58: Finds ability to breath fire. Or at least scare people away.
12:10: Boss Raymond cracks joke
12:10:02 Not laughing at joke. Nothing is funny. Not even you.
12:10:30 Boss Raymond wonders aloud what I'm so upset about
12:10:31 Gives Raymond the "what are you an IDIOT?" death stare. Bolts for the door, needs to walk off some aggression and search for at least 2 items of the above comfort list
12:12: starts death march in dress shoes around Chevy Chase
12:25: one mile into walk, sees young thug-dressed boy approaching
12:25:30: thug calls me baby
12:25:31: thug puts hand on my shoulder
12:25:32: thug tries to put his hand down my shirt
12:25:33: hand is swatted away
12:27: Just realized what he was trying to do
12:27:30: contemplates turning around to find said thug and kick him in the balls
12:28: decides not to chase worthless human being and head for guacamole instead
12:45: one mile later, guacamole and root beer is found (thank heavens for Chipotle)
1:10: arrives back at office, audience has assembled for Meltdown2008.
1:12: burrito is devoured in record time. behold the power of avocado.
1:30: first meeting with bosses Geeves and Raymond post HR session, nothing is changing
1:30:30 not surprised
1:31 and not gonna take it
3:30 second meeting with bosses Geeves and Raymond post second HR session and general stomping around
3:31 something might change but it will take time
3:31:30 not falling for that for a second
4:00 deal is brokered which involves nothing changing but boy oh boy wasn't this a fun day
5:50 email from friend "want a drink"
5:50:10 response "or 6"
6:20: grey goose cosmo in hand, things are looking up
7:00: second grey goose cosmo in hand, things are not only looking up but moving on their own, even though they are stationary objects
7:10: starting to wonder if I'm abusing alcohol
7:11: realized the only options for coping was either a drink or violence, and since violence is never the answer, drinking must be ok
7:20: dinner arrives - mussels frittes.
7:30: mussels are inhaled, lots of broth left over. bread is needed
7:50: have successfully eaten my weight in bread, even though the diet was re-starting *today*
8:00: contemplates a third drink, but probably not the best idea.
9:45: at home, in bed, heart beat down, day is over.